*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
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*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*