Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

“what that mouth do?” complain

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work