Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

Big Sex has us all fooled

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Posting this on behalf of a friend

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.