Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

TEETH IS INNOCENT

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.