Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Breaking news:
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.