Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

“You drive, I’m tired.”

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

i baked you a cake

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …