setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
this is the best day of my life
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.