Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

this isn’t threatening at all

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

stop

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”