Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

mathematically impossible

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

Sorry. Not sorry

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.