Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
You Might Also Like
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Lmao
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I didn’t know they can drive…
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.