Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
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A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.