Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
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My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
