Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
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Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin