Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
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Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
liiiiiiiiike
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep