Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
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May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
First I was a pebble..
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7