Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers