Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
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Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
