Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
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No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
That’s incredible! 👌