Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.