Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

you can only post this today

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

technique

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

be nice to me or i will put you in the soup

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still