Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
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“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????