Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
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THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
From my Mom
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced