Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.