Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

new record!

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote