Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!