Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
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Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.