Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
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Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Some people were born into their job.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”