Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
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*ernest hemingway voice*
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
The Birdles
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”