Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
he’ll never suspect a thing
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
repaired
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them