Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
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My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.