Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

Not my job 😂

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

that’s really how it is

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.