MUGGER: Empty your pockets
ME: Do I have to?
ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]
MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
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– Mr Miyagi telling Daniel how to bang a nurse
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Can you describe the man who did this
“he was a meanie head”
No describe his face, sir
“He had a stupid face”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.