Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

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“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”


As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.



I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”


I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?


you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas


Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset


*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!


That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.