Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
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“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.