“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
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Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I childproofed my house, but they keep getting in.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.