settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
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Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.