settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
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Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted