Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.