SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
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Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.