Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
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them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.