Seven nuclear reactors just for this š
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Iām extremely grateful that spiders donāt scream back.
her: letās try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
Apparently āThe WiFi signal is the strongest thereā isnāt the right answer when the boss asks āWhy are you spending so much time in toilet?ā
Iām afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Oops, I āaccidentallyā left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess Iāll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I wish theyād just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell āalright!ā.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasnāt eaten a vegetable that isnāt a potato in the last year.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
When youāre going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Officer- Iām giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- Thatās heroin
Officer-ā¦
Me- Want some?
Officer-ā¦
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
What idiot named her Miley Cyrusā grandma and not Nana Montana.
Pringles
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My Fitbit was delivered today. Itās still sitting in the mailbox because I donāt want to walk all the way out there.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sureā¦ why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and seeā¦
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Youād think Iād lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. Youāll find it.
this is literally a CIA plant
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isnāt any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasnāt going to mention names because that wonāt solve anything.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Iād be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didnāt go to medical school of any kind.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes youāre right, thereās nothing worse than a paper cut!
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFSā¦.okā¦ā¦.but youāre doing the dishes tonight
Me:ā¦ā¦kThatās how a good marriage works people.
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
My boss: If you say āthat would make a great band nameā one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says āHand Soap Refillā: It has been a pleasure working with you