Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
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GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.