Seven nuclear reactors just for this š
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āOoh, youāve caught the sunā
Translation: You look like youāve been swimming in a volcano
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
The goldfish just gave me the ājust flush meā look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Iāve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. š
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
BOSS: This is hard to sayā¦we need to make cutbacks
ME: Whatās so hard? āWe need to make cutbacksā See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Wife: āBad day?ā
Me: āStupidhead boss treats me like a kid.ā
Wife: āNow now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.ā
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Donāt make this weird.
Well hello, āParty-Sizeā bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Iām assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I donāt remember what her answer was.
āMom, the speed limit is 45 and youāre going 47,ā says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
ME: iām having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling āMEā before every sentence
If you enjoy ānaked and afraidā, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, itās you.
My dad would freak tf out!š¤£š
Iāve hit rock bottom so many times, Iām building a second home there.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Every news show is like āare you actually seeing what youāre seeing? Weāll ask an expert and a liar!ā
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that theyāll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didnāt you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still canāt keep me away from light bulbs
World: Whatās the date?
America: Well first and most importantly itās June
I would learn how to backflip but iām saving spinal injuries for after iām 60
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, heāll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, heāll stab you with a fork.
He calls it āsnackupuncture.ā