Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
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The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs