Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
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cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
SCARY COSTUME
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
When you’re here for the treats.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”