Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
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Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!