Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

This anagram machine is out of order.

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

Get in loser we’re going crying

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻