Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope