Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

did it work

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

tourist season

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks