Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
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sounds kinky. i’m in.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I’m putting together a team
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.