Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
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Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
so i’m at the stock market right
