Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

Math at Halloween.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

Bike is short for Bichael.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

shut up and take my money

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!