Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
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Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
is it earth
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Sheep
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
normalize having existential bread
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Haha! 😂
