Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

need him

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

is nasa ok

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.