Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes