Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

hello pervert is such a strong opener

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

If you want my opinion ask my wife

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.