Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs