Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

Penguins walking in 5x speed

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*