[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
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Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks