Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

me after i passed that state trooper

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan