Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

So sick of all these stupid rules

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.