Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
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I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Social distancing in Australia:
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep