*sewing*
A thread
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Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*