*sewing*
A thread
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I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker