*sewing*
A thread
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ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop