*sewing*
A thread
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.