[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
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Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles