Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.