Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

Never deleting this app.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose