Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}