Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

same but as an audience member

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer