Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
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She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on