Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?