Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell