Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler