Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
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ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
This is painfully accurate 😅
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.