Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat