Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
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please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
LA today:
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.