Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
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Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Lmaoo 😂
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.