Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.