Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

I feel it

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

Look at this

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

Stop being $50 to eat, food.