Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

The Eggorcist

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what