Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

thats my bad

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this